Contentment.

Someone said something to me yesterday and mind you, it is not something pleasant. This fella must have lots of guts to be spitting venoms like that on me. For once, I held myself very well. Instead of hurling equally if not more hurtful words back or screaming my lungs out or one tight slap across the face, I just kept quiet. Quiet not because I am accepting what that person had to say but behind my mind I was thinking about something else.

That person said something about I am wasting my time away and that my blog is a rubbish blog and that I have no objective in life. Phew...! Full of toxic. Pretty harsh neh? Well, that's just the major points. There are few other smaller points too which are overshadowed by these two. You must be wondering what have I done to this person to deserve such outburst. Trust me, nothing.

Of course it triggered off something within me. Defensiveness + anger + insult, but mostly are just a whole puddle of depression. I tried very hard to just wash out the toxic within but somehow some of it seeped right thru into my blood and soul. I am not too offended on the part about my blog being a rubbish blog. That person is angry and I can understand the root of the anger. Even if it is a rubbish blog, it is mine. I've already earned US$100 from my rubbish. I know it is not a lot but at least my rubbish helped me to pay off some bills. I am ok having this kind of rubbish.

I am most affected by the part that says I am wasting my time away. Why should I even be affected? I don't know. Maybe a part of me do agree with what the person said. Or maybe, it is just pms... I dont know.

I haven't been doing much for the last two years since I quitted my job. Other than setting up Springtime Favours & Rainbow's End, I more or less kinda waltzed thru it and enjoying every moment of it. I blogged, I danced, I cooked, I baked, I sewed, worked a little at my uncle's company, gym-ing, prepared for wedding, shifted God knows how many times, went holiday, karaoke, lunching, yumcha-ing, photography, painted, groomed my doggies, learnt to pray, running and other misc household stuff. Other than that, nothing much concrete. Mostly are just things that I did to entertain myself. Hobby stuff to keep me happy. Even for work, it is flexihours to suit my time. Could this be why I am being labelled as wasting my time away?

As I was sitting there taking in all the bullets that is being shot at me (without any bullet proof vest), I thought to myself (that's why I am quiet), what's exactly is the definition of 'wasting my time away'? Is it because I do not have a full time 9-5 job like most people does that's why I don't have objective in life?

Let look at it from another perspective. Let's say I am a full time employee that leave home at 8am daily, reached office at 9am, work my ass off talking to subordinates, bosses, clients, attending meetings, achieving sales target, chasing datelines, tackling office politics, finish work at 6pm/7pm/9pm daily, only to reach home dead tired at 7pm/8pm/10pm daily, too tired for dinner, shower and hit straight for the bed. Only to repeat the whole scenario all over again day in day out all for X amount of pay cheque come month end. How can that not also be defined as I am wasting my time away? I am spending most of my waking hours for work and nothing else. Is it because of the X amount of pay cheque that's why I am deemed making full use of my time???

Seriously, I am not defending my situation. In fact, me too sometimes do thought that this person may be right. I am doubting myself. I know the part about we living our life for ourselves and we do not need to answer to anyone anything. I am not answering. Just that, sometimes, no matter how positive I always am, I do have the tendency to fall into dark pitches (remember magnet & longkang).

I just feel that the answer to the question is very personal. It is very different with each individual. Some may put monetary as primary objective in life. For some other, would be for job satisfaction. For some, merely being alive each passing day is sufficient already.

I am sure some of you out there knows that I do work. But I am not gonna go into that cause I am not defending myself or even finding excuses for myself per say. The thing is, how fat should the pay cheque be only then we are being defined as not wasting our time away? How much is enough? Can I not, not be ambitious? Can I not be contented with what I already have? What if my objective in life is to live a healthy & quality life doing things I love doing and putting monetary objective last? Is that not an objective too?

Please enlighten me.