Father Is A Source of Strength?

I've recently read a friend's entry re 'Father Is A Source of Strength' (http://www.terencelau.com/2007/10/father-is-source-of-strength.html). What he wrote touched my heart and inspired me to write something about my father. I've been wanting to blog about this but I do not know where to start.

I've never really knew my dad. To cut long story short, my parents separated when I was very little and subsequently divorced. I lived with my maternal grandparents since I was 4yrs old while my mum trying to make a living in Spore. She would visit me in Kluang as often as she could and I would spend every school holidays with her in Singapore.

My dad on the other hand, had only visited me once and that was during my 8th birthday eventhough JB & Kluang is a stone throw away. I've concluded then that he is not interested in my well being and that he is a good for nothing fella who will sell me off at any chance he got. That's what I've been told.

I was told by many adults (other than my mom) that I was very lucky that I dont end up with my good for nothing dad. I was constantly reminded that my good for nothing dad has never contributed anything to my upbringing. And I was constantly being laugh at for having a good for nothing dad by some wicked relatives. During the 70s & 80s, when divorce is still very much a taboo, I am the central of attraction of this taboo.

Note: No words can described how proud I am for having my mom as MY MOM. It is not easy being a divorcee & a single mother in this 21st century let alone during the 70's. And yet, she find the strength to did just what she did. If I am given a chance to choose, I will still choose MY MOM.

Alright, back to my dad. During the visit on my 8th birthday, I ran and hide behind my granddad cause I feared my dad will take me away and sell me off (that's what I've been told since 4). Anyway, instead of taking me away & sell me off for some quick bucks, he gave me a birthday angpow and I replied with a "thank you uncle". As far as I can remember of my 8yrs of life, I've never called anyone dad/daddy/father/papa, so to call someone 'daddy' suddenly just sounds weird.

After that visit, the next time I saw him was when I was 20yrs old. I visited them out of curiousity and also to visit my paternal grandfather, who I was told, was a very pleasant old man. The outcome was good. At least, for the first time I can put names to faces. My dad on the other hand, never really look at me in the eyes or chat with me or showing any interest on knowing me more.

Note: Later on, I found out that my dad kept all newspaper cuttings of advertisement I did earlier for my college without knowing which one of the girls is me. Besides keeping the college advertisements which I appeared in, he also kept each and every news or photos of me that appeared in the newspaper during my beauty pageant later on.

Over the next 10 years, I've visited them a couple of times. Each time, it was the same. He will not look at me or ask questions about me. He would talk animately regarding my cousins whom I dont really know.

My feelings, a little disappointed but gathered that he is not interested. So, over the years, I can't be bothered. Afterall, I've did what I could. So, if he is not interested in my life, I can't put a gun to his head to force him to be interested right? So I moved on with my life.

Sometime late 2005, I was not well and therefore decided to find out more about my family medical history so that I could take precaution. I sms-ed my dad and he did replied with all the relevant info. Deep inside, there is a little hope of perhaps we can keep in touch & that we can try to work out our father & daughter relationship. I am more mature now and I can evaluate what is true & what is not and I am ready to forgive and forget and give him at least a chance to try.

Anyway, the contacts were just that one & only reply and nothing else. If that's not disappointing enough, a month later after that faithful sms, he wanted to borrow money from my mom. It feels like a tidal wave of dissappoinment suddenly hit me. At moments when I am ready to push aside everything else and start afresh, his action confirmed everything that has been programmed into me since I was 4. I told him how disappointed I was and that perhaps it was better that we remained our relationship as it was; i.e. no contacts.

Then one fine day in April 2006, I got a call from my Uncle informing me that my dad has been warded in the ICU and he was in coma. He had a bad asthma attacked. He was in coma and was hooked on life support. During my visit at the ward, I told him to move on and that he had suffered enough this lifetime. He passed away the following week. I went thru with the funeral and strangely, I felt really sad. Many friends came and told me many wonderful things about him that I never knew (or never wanted to know?).

My dad has not always been a good for nothing. I was told that he was once a very promising young man who held a good paying job. You see, my dad was just like any young man during the 70's whose curiousity got a better hold of him. He got involved with drugs and somehow can't kick off the bad habit. As time goes, he just got more hardcore. Despite being a hardcore drug addict, he makes a living repairing cash machines to sustain his own 'needs'. He also the one that cared of his aging parents.

I was later told, it is not that he had never love me nor that he is not interested in the on-goings in my life, he was just too ashamed of himself for failing me. My only regret is, I judged him before giving him a fair trial.

That's the story of my "Father Is A Source of Strength". Its a different kinda strength. A strength that pushes me for better.